Health, Issues... A rant of sorts

I am not good at this. I do not deal well with illness or other physical problems, in myself or in people that I love. Then when I am dealing with the frustration of not being able to just fix it... add to that the frustration of dealing with health insurance or doctors that seem less than helpful, and I become and emotional basket case.

Z has been dealing with a hemorrhoid for the past 7 or 8 months. I do not know how to spell hemorrhoid, although I've googled it a dozen times, and by the end of this post, I'm sure I still won't. Spell check is too nice to me. But anyway... After a couple trips to the pediatrician, we ended up at a pediatric gastrointestinal clinic, facing a doctor that, I swear, should probably be working in a lab with as little human contact as possible.

Now, I realize, I am probably being a bit unfair. I am sure this woman is very smart and works very hard, and has feelings and all that. I don't know her. I don't know anything about her. She didn't tell me one thing about herself... but I imagine if she did, this is what she would say: "Hi, I've never met you before, but I am a doctor. I will not tell you how long I've been in practice or why I chose this field of specialty, much less anything about my personal life. It's not your business. I just expect you to trust me blindly and not think for yourself..."

During the appointment, I answered her questions, got little information out of her, wasn't given much time to think through what she was telling me, then was told that we should schedule this procedure and that test, since it might not be a hemorrhoid, and was ushered out the door. I can't remember if she said one word to Z, even when she examined her (stuck her finger in Z's rear end).

After we got in the car and started home, all I could do was cry. After talking it over later with Chris, we decided that I should ask the doc if it wouldn't make sense to put off the procedure and the test and put a little more effort into helping the hemorrhoid have the best chance to heal on its own. I had gathered from the appointment that I needed to try to keep Z's stool a bit softer. "Like applesauce," she said.

Anyway... sparing all the details, I was on the phone with the doc yesterday, feeling frustrated and uninformed and pressured once again. I was still not clear why she would suspect other things were wrong with my daughter, and was wondering why we couldn't just rule hemorrhoids out before we put Z through other tests, and STILL had many questions like 'if it is a hemorrhoid, do these types ever resolve on their own and if so, how much time would it take?'

At one point I asked her: "Do you have kids?"
"I don't see how that's relevant," she answered.
"If you had kids, you would understand how hard it is to keep a kid's stool the same consistency all the time," I said.
"Well, if you want, you can come in and we can talk about changing her diet," she said.

Are you kidding me? I wanted to scream into the phone. (Actually, it is possible that at some point, I was screaming into the phone, but I didn't say everything I wanted to...) If she had kids, she would understand that you want to put your kids through as little discomfort and pain as possible. If she had kids, she would understand that it's not easy impossible to get your kids to eat exactly what you want them to. That driving an hour to have your three year old be put through one test, then another procedure in which she will have to be sedated all in one day is not really an option. If she had kids she might actually talk to my daughter rather than treat her like an object that needs fixing...

But I don't know. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe she does have kids. She might even like kids, though it's hard to tell.

At one point she offered to refer me to another doctor, and I would take her up on that except for one thing: I don't want yet another doc sticking his or her fingers in my kid.

And I realize, really, I should be thankful to be able to take my kids to a specialist. I watched The English Surgeon the other night, and I cannot imagine the frustration and hopelessness people feel in areas where there aren't top-notch medical facilities nearby or many trained physicians or the resources to pay for good medical care...

So we're going to push our way through this, while I pray that this doc's bedside manner improves a little and that I can keep my emotions in check. (Deep breath.)